If there wasn't a penalty for laughing in court, the jury would never be able to hear the evidence!

lawyer jokes and quips

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.

    There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
    The outraged lawyer says, "This is a rip-off! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"
    The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
    June 2005 Winner, sent in by S. Grisso - Reno, NV

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." – Socrates

There was a woman who sued her doctor for malpractice. It ended up a wash;

    She got a free organ transplant, but had to give her lawyer an arm and a leg.

Then there was the lawyer who had considerable disdain for juries....

    As he put it, "It's disgusting to realize your fate is in the hands of a dozen people who weren't bright enough to get out of jury duty!"

The attorney asked the plaintiff, "What happened when the defendant walked up to you?"

    The defendant asked me urgently, "Have you seen a cop around?", and I said, "No I haven't."
    "What happened then?" the attorney asked.
    The plaintiff replied, "The sonofabith robbed me!".

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

    "Absolutely! What's the second question?"

"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets."

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

    A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
    A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

You Might Be a Lawyer if...

    You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
    You believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
    You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
    You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
    Your other car is a BMW.
    When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
    When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"

    The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
    "Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
    "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
    The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

    A. Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

    A. His lips are moving.

special plea in bar

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If you have a legal profession related story or joke please email it to us. Each month a winner is chosen and will receive a Judicial Flavors™ product. If we don't choose your joke, don't get upset with us ... send your complaint to Florida for a recount at http://www.state.fl.us/ !

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